The older I get the more clear it is to me that I don’t know everything, even about those things that I do know something about, I don’t know that much. So while I felt I needed to defend myself, my stance and approach when I was younger mostly out of insecurity, I feel more harmony with not knowing now, I question more and more my knowledge and competencies now.
When life hands you difficult situations these doubts about what we know about life, the job we have chosen to do, the person we are, are highlighted. Some of us may have a tendency to sink into feelings of worthlessness in these moments. We are often faced with the hard fact of having made a mistake. Given the person that I am and how this affects me, sometimes I am too hard on myself. In the moment of realisation, I feel devastated and begin to question if I know anything at all about my job or myself or people I care about. I feel miserable that I couldn’t see with this clarity before. I try to tell myself that this is life, we learn, often, the hard way, by making mistakes. But it is important to acknowledge the mistakes made without beating ourselves up about the people that we are. This is a lesson I am yet to master. I am yet to sit calmly with my failure and talk myself into being kind with myself.
An important lesson this has taught me is that other people make mistakes too. They say things they don’t mean to, or say things they mean but not to hurt you, or react the way they know best. Being calm in these situations would help me to not absorb the words of the person in front of me as a reflection of me blindly. It doesn’t matter that everyone I interact with does not see me for the person I am, that some people misinterpret my intentions. I do that too, I am sure.
I need to be able to find the calm within, know that I acted honestly and with good intention and that if I made a mistake, I will learn from it but it does not make me a bad person and I shouldn’t let anybody telling me that mess with my head. I wish I could tell my younger self that.