A friend of mine said to me once that I didn’t have to go to work in difficult contexts and that I was worthy of love the way I was and I didn’t have to prove anything. It made me cry. As always, he had a point, about me, I didn’t fully realise. Though I am not sure that’s why I do the work I do.
We all have our battles and one of my major ones is indeed feeling worthy of this life and love, I suppose. When I was 13, a girl I considered a good friend, made up a friend G with cancer who died. This boy G wrote letters to me telling me to be there for her when he was gone. I was so hurt when she told me, she’d made him up and written the letters herself. But somehow even then I got that it was not to deceive me, but out of desperation of keeping a love she had found.
So many of us do not feel we deserve true, unconditional love. We do not believe it really exists for us, that it is waiting out there for us. We do not see that we already have it, this unconditional love we look for. What we are actually looking for is self love. I want to be better, do better, do more, be more, and often these are contradictory goals – more humble, more confident, more selfless, more self caring, more compassionate, more assertive, more sensitive, more resilient, more independent, less isolated, more giving, more asking… So often times I disappoint myself.
For some reason, I can’t seem to tell myself that wanting to be a better person and keep growing does not mean, I can’t love myself the way I am today. In theory, I understand all this, but what does it actually mean this loving yourself? A reflection for another day.