You have become a part of the past. Added to the list of beings I miss, my Amma, Thatha, 2 black cats, 1 golden lab and you. You still exist somewhere, like all of them I suppose. But I will never see you again. I get that. I got that, that morning when I woke up from a dream that made me feel dread for the rest of the day. You were gone. From my life in any case. And for days I didn’t know how to go on, without you, without the possibility of you. If I’d known I wouldn’t see you again, what might I have done differently? If you’d known, what would you have done differently? All we have now is our imagination.
I do this thing sometimes, when the thought of never seeing you again is unbearable, I imagine you sitting at your desk covered in white light streaming from above, smiling blissfully. I wish you peace. I call out your name slowly and feel the warmth flow through me at the sound of my voice saying your name. I wish you the abundant love we all should feel but don’t. It’s there, I feel it for you. Therefore I know you have it. If only you’d believe it. If only you’d believed it. If only I’d believed it. But these layers of ours that we used to talk about, they complicate things. They make love about things that it is not. They twist the things we say and do, the things we don’t say or do.
Every time I go back home, I go on a pilgrimage to all the places we had been, I try to enhance the memories, keep them intact, lock them tight, revisit them eyes closed, tears flowing down my face, feeling so loved, trying to feel gratitude for what I had, to not feel regret for all that I couldn’t have. Most of the time it feels like salve to my wounds, occasionally it feels like a sprinkle of salt. Always it makes me feel closer to you.
I strive now to live a life that honours your influence in it, like I do with all the others I loved and lost. You are the latest addition to this list of beings that are present in my life even more in their absence. You are in everything I do, in my pores, in my every thought and action, in my soul. You made me. You are still here. You will always be.