At some point along my day today, it came to me, a revelation. I have been wondering why I wanted to write on this blog everyday. I said some things when I embarked on this journey, that I believed then to be the whole truth, but now a bit more of the fog has lifted and I see a little bit more.
It so happens that I internalised the idea that I was too discreet, that I didn’t reveal myself enough and that this was somehow a ‘bad’ thing. So I wanted to have the ‘courage’ to write about myself, to undo some fears around it. I have done it for 89 days now and there are days when I have loved it and there are days when I felt like I had put my innermost thoughts on a display window. There are days when the writing flowed naturally (very, very few) and days when I stared at my screen for 2 hours and wrote 6 lines of pretty unoriginal poetry. But through it all has come a revelation, I am discreet as a person, it is not comfortable for me to write publicly as if I was journaling. I am way more honest when I journal in a notebook. It helps me in understanding myself quite a lot. And that is primarily why I write, to understand myself. Through this blogging practice I have practically given up journaling just because of time constraints and how much writing I can actually do in a day.
My beautiful pens and notebooks miss me and I miss them sorely. But this writing practice gave me the realisation that I can write everyday if I wish to, but I will not produce the same quality of writing and that’s normal. And I also realised that I do not want to put writing that I don’t feel satisfied with out there. I don’t. I want to be able to rework texts for days, ponder over them, reread them several times and then post them when I feel satisfied. Writing everyday also meant that I began to put out there a lot more than I was absorbing. I might not have had time to read, but I had to write and this I am not comfortable doing. It feels superficial for me in the way my writing functions.
When I started thinking about this on the airplane ride earlier today I wanted to stop at 100 posts. I thought its a round number, it gives me 12 more days, in case I want to change my mind. But I have learnt that the heart knows. And today my heart knows that I want to stop, So here I am ending this on day 89, as good a day as any. I am looking forward to working more on some of the short story ideas I had in this process. And I will of course continue writing on the blog, better worked articles which come from more reflection than I am capable of in a day.
Thank you for accompanying me on this journey. Your observation and appreciation were valuable and I hope you will continue to come to this space for more.